Any Takers? or Max's Vicodin dream
by Austyn Layne
Summary: this is just some 2 broke girls smut featuring some pwp m/m action between Han Lee and and a very unlikely character. if this type of fic offends you please find another... enjoy *UPDATE* This is a butchered story that combines two season 3 episodes S3ep8: and the 'it' hole S3ep18: and the near death experience


**I do not own 2 Broke Girls or have anything to do with its creators... thank you.**

UPDATE* This is a butchered story that combines two season 3 episodes

S3ep8: and the 'it' hole

S3ep18: and the near death experience

 **Any Takers!?** **/Max's Vicodin dream**

Han Lee asked the diner crew if anyone would help him with any extra duties, and as always Max and Caroline said no, Earl acted like he forgot and Oleg remained suspiciously silent.

"So, nothing, no takers!" Han said raising his tiny arms in frustration.

"Well _Han_ if you're the one asking _and_ I'm pretty sure about this, you'll never have any _takers_... We are talking about your sex life right Tinky-Twinky?" Max Black belted out inspiring laughter from the crew.

"I would help really Han but I got thing, you know...I gotta do that one thing you know! come on help me Max!" Caroline said tossing her head in frustration.

"Oh yeah that thing the _...getting out of this hell-hole thing, uh yeah! got some serious business to take care of and by business I mean my business_ ; gunna be an all nighter and I'm pretty sure Caroline got some new AA batteries, soooo we're both gunna be busy... tough luck _Small Wonder_ , take care of your own big trouble in _little China._ " Max said looking down at Han from the counter.

"I told you and I'm not going to tell you again... I'M KOREAN!! So nobody wants to help me get rid of the spider communities?... no takers!? Oh I don't know why I bother." Han said turning towards his office.

"I don't know why either Han; _hell_ half the time I forget that I even show up to work ... what were we talking about? who are you... this is _Dennys_... right?" Earl said playing on his perceived dementia and 80 years.

As Han Lee, was about to enter his office for cleaning supplies that he bought earlier from the _Whole Foods_ , All he could think of was how lazy his crew was and how he probably would be out of luck if he canned them all; because in Williamsburg no one seemed as if they wanted a job.

"I'll help you _Han_ , I could use some away time from Sophie I mean... give my _penis_ a break right? at this point its all just pain and shooting out steam... and I could use the extra _scratch_ to by Sophie a new _SEXcalibur_ sword." Oleg said just as Han opened the office door in defeat once again.

"Uhhhh, thank you Oleg, but next time; could you _please_ be less explicit? Thats dirty no-no bedroom talk and this is a diner. Be prepared for an all nighter my good friend." Han said raising his tiny fist in joy.

"Hey Han, I thought we weren't talking about sex." Oleg said sarcastically as Han walked away so happy he didn't catch the comment a comment that would have gotten Oleg another puritanical reprimand.

As the girls and Earl were getting ready to head out for the night, Oleg leans out of the kitchen taking in one last leer of Max and Caroline, Oleg could never stop perving over them and always had to leave them with sexually disturbing comment.

"Hey _girls,_ last chance to spread the midnight oil."

"You mean _burn_ the midnight oil." Caroline said not grasping the comment.

"No Caroline, midnight oil - the lube I keep on on me at all times in case of _sexy_ emergencies." Oleg said holding up a small bottle seemingly out of nowhere.

"And once again the answer is no Oleg you and Han...have a ball!" Caroline said as she turned away in disgust.

"Alright, have it your way baby and believe me you can... Max you?" Oleg said in another attempt to 'seduce' the girls with his raunchy humor.

"Uhhh Oleg, that's a big fat... _NO_!" Max said as she folded her arms and turned her face in a twisted expression.

"come on Max, let's hurry and get out before Oleg pulls out an _ether rag, chloroform_ or whatever un-holy thing he considers foreplay - we don't want to become captives to your next ' _sexy emergency_ '... oh, and Max, I think I might have a date with this hot surfer I met soooo change of plans...hurry up lets go!" Caroline says as they head towards the diner exit.

"Hey _Caroline..._ " Oleg shouts before the door shuts, and the girls in unison shout back "NO!"

 **XXXXX**

"So Caroline, guess that means you won't be needing those batteries...guess it'll just be - me me me and ' _Buzzy Mgee_ ' tonight."Max says in a sing-songy voice to Caroline as the head towards their apartment "Come on Max, those have to last till I next week and I can buy more from the _Dollar Tree._ "

"So what Caroline, too good for the 99 cent store?" Max said playfully as the disappeared down the sidewalk.

 **Later that night**

"So Oleg, did you get rid of the spider community in the walk-in?... and once again thank you, for getting rid of that pesky possum... even though you did kind of leave me in a bind, when you slipped off to brutalize that poor-poor surfer boy that wasn't even the guy you and Sophie thought he was... any-hoo _welcome back._ " Han Lee said in a long winded ramble.

" _I'm working on it Han_ ; and if the possum comes back, lets just say there'll be a new special on the menu board."

"Alright Oleg, I'll be in my office it seems its infested with tiny cockroaches." Han said as he toddled towards the kitchen exit.

"Next to you Han, I wouldn't call them tiny cocks." Oleg said vulgar as usual.

"Oh whatever!" Han said as he left insulted once again.

 _Han Lee stayed occupied with his office, and his new tiny cockroache situation. thinking to himself why he wasn't getting enough dates on 'Christian Mingle' well, till now... no dates, but he soon cleared his head and continued to forget about his troubles in a fog of Organic Raid bug spray._

"I got you _little buggers_ , no one can escape the wrath of Han... only 2 cans left, almost finished." Han said proud of his progress, when suddenly there was a knock on his office door. He opened it up angered his bliss had been disturbed, it was Oleg gazing at him with a lusty disturbing stare.

"Need any _help...Han_?"

"well yes Oleg, if you could just make yourself useful and grab a can and spray in the other corner." Han said resuming his roach eradication.

"You know... _Han_ , I'm sorry about the tiny _cock_ comment I made earlier."

"I know - I know! just hurry up, I don't want to be here till sunrise." Han said looking behind his filing cabinet.

"So Han, pull it out and let me see."

"Pull out what!"Han screeched at Oleg

"Your _penis_... here look, see mine." Oleg said pulling down his sweatpants revealing his big un-cut Ukrainian cock surrounded by a large mound of black pubic hair.

"put that away, I told you, I'm not gay - I'm _metro-sexual!_ "

"Thats not what the erection in your pants is saying; come on lets stroke each other Han and once I get you off I can lube you up with some ' _Midnight Oil_ ' and I can tap that sweet ass of yours." Oleg said reaching into Hans trousers.

"Oh _yes -_ oh _yes_ , more a little more uh uh Oleg - Oleg... it feels so it feel so oops I'm so so sorry." Han said as he prematurely came into Olegs hand.

"poor poor Han, sometimes I don't know the my own sexual powers... such a curse, come on Han stroke my cock so I can show you a real good time." Oleg said as he guided Hans hand down the length of his 9 inch cock.

"So big - so - so big." Han said mesmerized by Olegs manhood.

"Now bend over Han, this wont take long I'm almost there."

 _Han then bent over and revealed his virgin opening to Oleg... Oleg quickly took the opportunity to lube Han up with his big Ukrainian fingers entering him till he was loose enough to fuck, truth be told Oleg was almost there pre-cum was leaking from his cock._

"Three fingers that ought to do the trick, get ready for the pleasure of pain Han." Oleg said as he suddenly thrust himself into Hans vigin hole.

"Ahhhhh - ahhhhh!! so big so big I thought Asian girls weren't your thing ahhhhh! ohhh ohhhhh!"Han hissed, as his eyes rolled back in his head and Oleg thrust deeper, stimulating his prostate.

"I did to _baby,_ but I guess you don't know till you try huh. Now let me hear you moan a little louder my little Korean love dumpling."

"ohhhhh -ahhhh -uh -uh Oleg!" Han moaned

 _Just then, Sophie entered the diner seeing how Oleg swiped an extra pair of Hans keys._

"Wait a minute - Wait a minute, I know that sound, thats the sound I make when Oleg fucks _Me_! I'll kill him! Oleg is that you!? I know it is! I'm coming in you 2 timing mother-fucker!" Sophie said taking off her heels and heading towards the office.

"Sophie baby its not what you think... I can explain."Oleg said pulling himself out of Han.

"How stupid do you think I am? I can see you fucking him right here... I swear, I'm gunna kill you both with my bedazzled heels! and yeah I really like these bedazzled heels! so its gunna piss me off even more!... and I didn't think Asian chicks were your thing."

"what can I say Sophie... I got my horny back."

 _Han ran out into the lobby with his tan trousers around his ankles, but before he could get to the door Sophie beaned him with one of her heels, screaming "I'm gunna kill you no more love you long time for a very long time... and that goes for the both of you!" but Han Lee made it back to his mini-cooper, embarrassed and ashamed - but happy at least he got laid._

"Hey Sophie, beautiful baby, come on and let us finish _together_ , don't waste a good thing _baby_." Oleg said as he stroked himself to keep it up.

"Alright, you know I can't say no to you and your big beautiful stupid penis." Sophie said grabbing Olegs love muscle.

"Alright... open up and say ah baby."Oleg said lifting up Sophie's skirt.

"Ahhhh!" Sophie said as Oleg entered her. And for the rest of the night, till the sun rose, Oleg and Sophie fucked... and from that point on, the _Williamsburg Diner_ was never the same.

 ** _The End_**


End file.
